Love Never Fails

Saturday, July 16, 2011

I could say that after 180 days in the NICU I'm pretty much not phased by much, but after Thursday night, I'd just be lying!  I'm a pretty transparent person-I've kept everyone in the loop good, bad, and indifferent during this whole process, but for some reason the past few days have physically and emotionally shut me down.  I believe God has given me that extra transparency during this journey because people need to see a miracle and people desperately need to see FAITH walked out in a miracle.  I hate our situation, I hate the fact that my baby weighed less than a pound, I hate that she lived the first 9 weeks of her life on the edge of a cliff and I never got to hold her, I hate that I have had to watch people do chest compressions, code, and resuscitate my baby-more than once-actually maybe like 4 times, I hate that she has severe chronic lung disease and pulmonary hypertension, I hate that Anna Claire and Ava who are both so young and don't thoroughly understand all this have had their worlds turned upside down, I hate driving back and forth to Knoxville everyday, I hate that every time the phone rings my heart still skips beats because I think it's the hospital with bad news, I hate that people think just because it's been 6 months we've gone on with our "normal" lives-let me just say that's a big fat NO and we'll never be normal again....I'm being totally transparent here!  But, I LOVE that God has hand picked my family for just a time as this to show His Glory.  I have never wavered in the fact that I know Alli was going to live, even though I was on the cliff with her Thursday night.  I was given a promise through His word and I received confirmation on that word 30 minutes before Alli was born.  One of these days, I'll share that, but for now I'll just give an update on Alli Grace!! 

The surgery was a HUGE success. They did the g-tube, the Nissen Fundoplication, and hernia repair. During the inguinal hernia repair they found that one of her ovaries had dropped and was I guess basically wound around the intestines. Dr. A was able fix that and save her left ovary....No one was aware of this issue until they got in there!! This was a huge "Thank ya Jesus" for her reproductive years!! Everything appeared great!! Everyone was ASTOUNDED at how well she did and how well she came off the ventilator in the OR and then went right back to basically the same O2 needs she was requiring before the surgery, plus a little! The anesthesiologist gave us a 50/50 chance that she would come off the vent in the OR, but my reading of his face made me think it was more like 90/10 that she wouldn't....and just like my baby, she overachieved and proved everyone wrong!! She did well and was doing so good all afternoon and into the night! I had packed a bag and was going to sleep in the chair in her room. John left around 7 to go home and get the girls. He almost had me convinced to come home with him since she was doing so well. I claim another Holy Spirit moment where I felt I was being told to stay. John called about 9:00 to check on Alli and let Anna Claire and Ava tell me goodnight. We could tell by then Alli was beginning to hurt so our nurse Carrie began making an additional pain control plan with Dr. M.  At 9:44, her pain got so severe she clamped up and basically just shut down-it appeared to be a bronchospasm, which is a sudden constriction of the muscles in the walls of the bronchioles. She's pretty famous for having these and has actually had two big ones back when they first took her off the ventilator in March, but the fear and tears in Carrie's eyes said it all...and it didn't look good. Before I knew it 20 people were over my baby, chest compressions were being done, they couldn't get her intubated (meaning the breathing tube in), the whole nine yards. I won't go into many more details because quite frankly I want to wipe those visuals out of my mind. I remember hitting that floor in front of her room and with no bones about it cried out to Jesus! If it says anything, my voice is gone! She had another episode around 3 a.m., but as of now has been stable. She is still on the ventilator and is sedated for pain control and her nerves since if she were wake up she'd be mad about the pain, obviously, and then IRATE about that breathing tube being down her throat....I'm sure as they wean her medications down over the next few days she's going to try to extubate herself....that's my feisty little toot!! So, the plan is to let her rest, keep her comfortable, and on the vent until at least Monday and then extubate her and see what happens!!! Since it took several tries to intubate her she's going to have some trauma to her esophagus so we may be looking at a small 2 day round of steroids to work on the swelling and to get her successfully off the vent for I'm declaring now the last time!! 

The past few days have reminded me of one of my favorite Jesus Culture songs and one that I listened to over and over again during the bad times of my pregnancy with Alli.  I'm assuming it references Psalms 93, "And when the oceans rage. I don't have to be afraid. Because I know that You love me." Only He controls the winds and the rage of the ocean against my family and my Alli's life. Only He can stand up against it and because of Him I can boldly declare life over my sweet Alli Grace. All the glory for the modern medicine that has come from Him, all the glory for the amazing nurses and doctors, respiratory therapists, speech, PT, and OT, among many others, that he's blessed with the hands and minds to work with these miracles. All the glory for Alli's life! His love never fails! And on that note....I'll leave you with that song!! 


  1. You are so strong & the perfect Mommy for that sweet family of yours! Love all of you & pray for your well being daily:) ♥ (remember you taught me the ♥ code:) Sherri

  2. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know Alli and you and your family will weather this new storm with God's help and your incredible faith. I think of you often, even though we have never met. I am continually thankful you have such an amazing support system and are surrounded by such faithful and loving people.


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